Heat your oven to 450 degrees F.
First, we will make the “lobster”
Pull/shred apart the hearts of palm stalks apart with your hands into about 1 to 2-inch pieces, set aside.
Add all-purpose flour to a large plate, pour the vegan egg into a medium-sized bowl, and then combine the cracker crumbs, kelp granules, salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic salt, dried parsley, celery salt, and paprika on another large plate. Lastly spray a large baking sheet with oil.
Toss a handful of the hearts of palm into the flour, then into the vegan egg, then toss them in the cracker crumb mixture, gently pressing the mixture onto the hearts of palm to ensure coverage. Transfer to the sprayed baking sheet, and continue until all are done. Arrange all battered hearts of palm evenly on the baking sheet and spray GENEROUSLY with cooking spray.
Bake for 12 minutes, remove from the oven and set aside.
While the “lobster” is baking, bring a large pot of water to boil, and add your pasta of choice, cook according to package directions, drain and set aside
Now time to make your beer cheese sauce. Add Dijon mustard, raw cashews, veggie broth, nutritional yeast, garlic, and white miso to a high-speed blender until completely smooth, about 1-2 minutes. Scraping the sides of the blender down so you don’t miss anything!
Heat a large heavy-bottomed skillet over medium heat, add cream cheese and melt, stirring to help it melt evenly.
Once the cream cheese is melted down, pour in the blender contents, scraping the sides to get all the good stuff out, stir to combine, and then add beer in 3 batches, stirring to combine completely each time.
Stir in ¼ tsp salt, and let it cook and thicken for another 5 minutes. Stir in pasta until evenly coated then carefully stir in “lobster” pieces. Serve sprinkled with chives and paprika if desired!